For those of you who don’t know me, let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Carroll, and I’m the guy that showed up at your company a few years back applying for the rodman position. For weeks I amazed you with my comprehensive knowledge of field procedures and CAD. I showed up to work 30 minutes early everyday, loaded the truck, and made two perfect pots of coffee for the field crews and office techs. On Fridays I brought doughnuts. You never had to tell me anything twice, and I never pretended to know anything that I didn’t really know. I was your perfect employee.

Then one day I didn’t show up to work. You were worried about me.

The following day I showed up 3 hours early and broke into the office. I stole a couple of laptops, three total stations, the petty cash box, someone’s change of clothes, and a stapler. I shit in the toilet without flushing, urinated on the receptionist’s desk,and of course I checked my email from the boss’ computer.

You guys knew it was me even though I was nothing but the best of employees. To this day I feel misjudged. I mean, I guess you judged correctly because I actually did those things, but still. You should have more respect for those who try harder.

My name is Jack Carroll, and I’m addicted to crack.